We’ve long been big fans of the love languages. The idea, popularized by Gary Chapman in his book, The 5 Love Languages, has transformed how people understand and express love. If you’re reading this, you probably know the idea: according to Chapman, each person has a primary love language: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, or Physical Touch. Understanding and speaking your partner's love language can significantly enhance your relationship. But some things are easier said than done. Or in this case, easier said than spoken.

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So let’s talk about this…

We’ve often run into a few challenges when trying to implement this practice. First how do you even identify your partner's primary love language? Do you just ask them? What if it changes based on their moods? And second, what if your love languages are so distinct that it can feel like you’re never on the same page? Are we taking crazy pills? Lastly, doesn’t it often seem like they all blend together? Like you book your partner a day at the spa. Isn’t that a gift, and an act of service, and likely given with some words of affirmation?

How do you do it?

What is your love language, and how do you feel most appreciated? What’s the right way to have a conversation about this with your partner? Share your experiences and insights, and we’d love to hear how couple are successfully using The 5 Love Languages to be happier.

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Evening walks might conjure up images of serene grandparents strolling through the neighborhood, but this simple activity has a lot more to offer couples of all ages. Whether you’re looking for a way to improve your health, escape the post-dinner lull, or figure out better communication, evening walks can be a surprisingly effective and enjoyable routine to add to your evenings. They might just make your relationship 10% happier (h/t !) Here’s why you might want to consider making it a regular part of your relationship.

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1. Boost Your Health and Aid Digestion

A post-dinner walk is a great way to aid digestion and improve overall health. Strolling will stimulate your digestive system, so your body can break down your meal. And it’s obviously good to get your heart pumping.

2. Step Away from Dessert and Extra Glasses of Wine

If you’re like most of us, sometimes, after a big meal, the temptation to indulge in dessert or another glass of wine can be pretty strong. (Maybe its just me?) Taking a walk provides a healthy distraction and helps you and your partner resist those post-dinner cravings. So skip the drink, and enjoy the fresh air and good company of your partner. And if this is a bridge too far, then maybe just bring your glass of wine with you 🙃

3. Enhance Communication in a Relaxed Setting

Have you ever noticed that communication can feel more intense when you’re sitting face-to-face…. Walking side by side can make conversations flow more naturally. There’s something uniquely comfortable about talking while stolling. It’s similar to how people often find it easier to open up during casual conversations with a taxi driver or a fellow passenger on a plane. The relaxed, non-confrontational setting of a walk allows for more open and genuine communication. In the business world, Steve Jobs was famous for “walking meetings.” Try it with your partner - it’s a chance to connect without the pressure of direct eye contact, making it easier to discuss anything from your day’s highlights to deeper topics.

Your Turn

Have you tried incorporating evening walks into your routine? How has it impacted relationship, your health, or your communication? If you have, what % happier has it made your relationship? We’d love if you’d be open to sharing your experiences and thoughts with us!

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Option 1: Plan Ahead Together

One of the most effective ways to avoid last-minute disagreements is to plan your meals in advance. That sounds easy enough, but it’s not always so…. Try to set aside some time each week to sit down together and create a meal plan. This can include deciding on dinners, prepping a shopping list, and even choosing a few takeout options for those days when cooking isn’t feasible. Planning together ensures that both partners’ preferences are considered and reduces the chances of arguments over what’s for dinner.

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Option 2: Rotate Choices

If planning a week’s worth of meals feels overwhelming, try rotating choices. For example, designate specific days for certain types of meals—like Meatless Monday or Taco Tuesday. This way, you both know what to expect and can take turns choosing recipes or restaurants for those themed nights. Rotating choices can simplify decision-making and add some fun to your meal planning. Otherwise, you can make it a weekly rotation, where one partner handles all the meals for the week (cooking or ordering). That also means they get full control. So they other partner needs to relax and be OK with the choices.

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Option 3: Set Up a “Restaurant Night”

If deciding what to cook at home becomes a point of contention, designate a night for ordering takeout or dining out. Create a list of your favorite local restaurants or cuisines and keep it handy. When it’s time to decide where to order from, refer to the list and make it a collaborative decision. This approach takes the pressure off daily meal choices and turns it into an enjoyable activity. Make it a game by picking a scrap of paper out of a hat, or flipping a coin.

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Use a Shared App

Another option to consider - though we are skeptical - is using a meal planning app that allows both partners to contribute. Apps like Mealime, Paprika can help streamline your planning process. By using a shared app, both partners can add their preferences, suggest meals, and keep track of the shopping list, making it easier to find a balance.

Most importantly: Be Flexible and Creative

Sometimes, despite your best planning, things don’t go as expected. Be open to improvising and trying new things. If one partner isn’t in the mood for the planned meal, be willing to adjust. Exploring new recipes or cuisines together should be a fun way to keep mealtime exciting and avoid routine-related friction. Don’t be such a stick in the mud!

Let’s hear it…

What works for you to keep mealtime decisions stress-free? Have you found any tips that work particularly well for your relationship? Share your thoughts and experiences so the rest of us can stop arguing and eventually settling for the same old Thai delivery…

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Most people who are into relationship happiness know of John Gottman. And most people who know John Gottman, know about his principle for relationship success: the "magic ratio" of 5:1. This means that a couple should aim to have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. According to Gottman, this balance helps maintain a healthy and happy relationship, even during conflicts.

What does it mean?

Positive interactions can include simple gestures like expressing affection, showing appreciation, or just laughing a little. These actions create a bank account of goodwill that can buffer against the ups and downs that couples face. On the other hand, negative interactions, such as criticism or defensiveness, can have a disproportionately damaging effect, making it crucial to maintain this positive-to-negative ratio.

Is it possible?

So, how can couples achieve this balance? Like anything, it takes intention and good old fashioned habits. Just try to it out. See if you can incorporate more positive interactions into daily life. This could involve small acts of kindness, being genuinely interested in each other's day, or expressing gratitude regularly.

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What’s your magic ratio?

Give it a shot and see how often you and your partner can engage in positive interactions compared to negative ones? What strategies work for you to up the positivity in your daily interactions? Share your thoughts and experiences, and we’d love to hear how the 5:1 ratio is working in your relationship.

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It seems simple enough. There’s a venn-diagram with a circle of things you want and need, and a circle of things they want and need. Why is it so hard to figure out what’s in the middle?

The real problem

Lot’s of couples tell us that it’s actually not that hard to know where the overlap is in what you both want. So what’s the problem then? Why do we walk around playing out conversations in our head? Turns out, even if you know what you both want, putting it out on the table is actually hard. First, we’re often starting from a place of disagreement, or at least distance. They’re over there. and You’re over here. Second, one of you has to make the first move, which is a vulnerable spot to be in. The early bird gets the worm, they say. But sometimes, the first worm gets eaten. Third, , you’re starting.

It’s 3 Dimensional, Man…

Turns out, that nice little venn diagram isn’t so nice. Take that flat 2D diagram on a piece of paper, and lower it down onto a mountain range, so the overlap is at the peak. This is how it feels sometimes to make our way up to the middle. No wonder we all need a sherpa most of the time.

So, let’s talk about it

In their hit book “Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight)” the author, Nic Saluppo, suggests getting rid of the mindset that you’re trying to prove a point. This is easier said than done. But you can try by framing conversation as “I know it’s important for you to [blank], and I was thinking about ways to…”

What works for you?

At the end of the day, figuring out how you and your partner can get to middle of that venn diagram is the billion dollar question. Reach out if you have a story about a time when you were able to thread the needle? Or a time you fell flat on your face. Sometimes those lessons are valuable if we learn from them. And if you’re reading this, and thinking “what’s wrong this these people? It’s not so hard!” … please share your wisdom. We are all ears.

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So now what?

How can we fix this? I’ve heard people suggest shared wish lists. Asking months in advance for ideas. Even hacking your partner’s pinterest board. What’s the right move?

Like most things, it comes down to communication. “What do you want for your birthday?” is maybe the most direct way, but probably a question that will lead you right where you don’t want to be. Let’s play it out. They tell you what they want. You buy it. No surprise. No magic. Way to go, you followed instructions. Gold star partner!

Let’s talk about it.

Try going one level deeper. What are you trying to do? You want to give them a gift that makes them smile, right? So, just tell them “I want to get you a gift you’ll love.” First of all, they’ll probably appreciate that. Second of all, it opens up the conversations without putting them on the spot. You can even caveat it by saying you don’t want them to give you a specific thing. Maybe ask for categories - are the feeling more like an item or an activity? Something for the house or something to wear?

One more tip

Have this conversation a couple months out from their birthday or whatever the special occasion is. Not only will that give you time to think it through, iterate, and even suggest things (think: categories, brands, etc.), but it also builds in some time in case whatever you want to get for them takes time (think: concert tickets, reservations, or anything bespoke). We’re not exactly experts, and still stumble on this every. single. year. So…

How do you make it work?

This feels like something that should be fun and easy. We’d love to hear how you keep it light and exciting. What have you tried that hasn’t worked? 😬. Better yet, what’s working that the rest of us can learn from?

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In Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity, she explores modern relationships. For any couple, it’s definitely worth a read. In it, she has a paragraph that almost made my head explode.

The Relationship Between Love and Desire

Perel talking about how couples start out with so much desire. But what happens as the relationship goes on? Are they no longer in love? Quite the opposite! She explains that love and desire are actually inversely correlated! Desire implies separation (a bridge to be crossed). Love is a state of togetherness. Desire is exciting, unpredictable, and spontaneous. Love is dependable, consistent, and trustworthy. I don’t know about you, but this really hit home.

So now what?

It’s quite the paradox, and Perel suggests it’s not a problem to be solved but a paradox to be managed. It definitely requires a delicate balance between togetherness and individuality. She says couples need to nurture each partner’s unique identities.

What works

One approach we’ve heard is successful is to create time and space for each partner to pursuing their personal interests. Many couples see this as being “selfish” but it can actually be better for desire, as each partner can maintain the sense of "otherness" that fuels desire. It might feel unnatural for some couples, but it’s that “letting go” that creates the space for desire to re-emerge. At lease according to Esther.

Share your exprience

Does this paradox resonate in your relationship? Is it something you’ve been challenged by? Something you’ve successfully managed? Please reach out to share your perspective. Share your thoughts and join the conversation.

So, how do we even start?

We’re not talking about writing our first substack. We’re talking about relationships. Maybe you’re one of *those* couples - just got back from an amazing vacation, always put together, looking good, looking … happy. Or maybe you’re like the rest of us. Just a couple, trying to be a little happier.

We want to understand why so many couples need a little boost.

We haven’t spoken to a single person who says “You know what, I’m killing the game when it comes to being a husband/wife.” Not one. Turns out, this couples thing can be challenging. Not necessarily existential. But it’s hard. It’s OK to admit that.

We want to help couples be happier.

We are going to explore all the “expert advice” that’s out there. We want to hear from couples on things they’ve tried that have worked, and things that haven’t. We want to hear where couples commonly run into issues, and how we can learn to solve (or avoid) those. Most of all, we want to help couples figure out how to be happier.

Subject to change…

People change. Relationships evolve. So do substacks. Let’s all be flexible and adaptable as we talk through how to make this work. If there’s something you’d like us to focus on, please reach out.

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